Daily Ramblings

I’m starting to write a little again.  I’ll try to write a little each day.  Hopefully I will stick with it, and encouragement will come in the form the satisfaction which makes me smile when I hear someone saying,  ”I read your blog the other day and…”  I’m not a writer nor am I a story-teller.  I’m a geek, and when I was at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, I thought all English majors WERE English majors because they didn’t understand how math and physics work.  This is the part where I get down on my hands and knees and pray when and if any of my favorite authors who are on my twitter lists do not block me permanently from ever being able to read their books again.  Big brother has ways.I know he does…suddenly my credit card wouldn’t work or the online store I buy from would run out of copies all of a sudden..I know how these things work.  Before my accident I used to program computers for a living.  So, just for the record I would like to say, how being older and hopefully wiser I believe those English majors had a grasp of communication that I had not yet come to know of much less understand.  My concept of communication was “chat” shorthand, bits and bytes, emails sent without verbs, and rarely with nouns if it was a followup email.  The world I lived in had nothing to do with the real world most people live in every day.  The world where you actually verbally convey a concept to another person in a cohesive manner.

This is much harder than I thought it would be.

This Morning my husband left for Moscow, Russia to visit his family, settle a few things up, but mostly simply to visit with his mom. He’s not been back to his homeland in almost 11 years and my husband will be staying for a number of months.  ACK!!  What am I going to do while he is gone?  Who is going to make the coffee in the morning? I really hate to admit it, but he makes better coffee than I do.  I would pout about this, but the upside to him being better at it than me, is that I get to have my coffee made. Is there a downside? Only when he sleeps in later than I do.  More importantly whose going to take out those great big garbage cans to the street on Tuesday nights?  I would leave them there by the side of the street all week and just take out my trash and recycle to the cans out there.  Unfortunately I think our neighbors may frown on my ever so practically, if not pragmatically, eliminating this from my to-do list.

I haven’t lived alone since I was 22 years old.  That’s (cough) more than half my life ago, but I’m not telling how much more.  What does a person do when they live alone?  Ok, I’m not totally alone, I have Symba.  He’s my eighteen pound, king-of-the-world-as-he-knows-it, grey-striped tabby cat.  And he’s sitting right here behind me making the strangest sounds as he sleeps.  Almost like singing a song ~”OOOOooooOOO AwwwwwOOOOOoooOWAwww”~ or something like that.  I’m serious, some day I’m going to tape him, and people will think I have the worlds first singing cat.  He’s probably got sinus issues. :\

It’s been a long time since I’ve looked forward to a lot of things on a personal level that didn’t have to do with “today”  but rather had things to look forward to that are out there, in the distance.  Looking up at the stars tonight I can almost feel like some of those stars are the items I’m looking forward to.  Items that take on personal growth, learning and commitment.  All three of which I’ve been sadly lacking in.  Ok, Ok, maybe I have a reason for being slow in those areas the last three years, but it’s time to put convalescence behind me and remember the Quint Essential.

I’m going to sign off with this thought tonight. The Quint Essential. I hope to find that center of myself again. That essence of my being which represents all those small and large wants and desires that go into making me who I am. Because who I am now, is not who I was all those years ago when I lived alone. So, it is my desire that by writing out my thoughts they will become a little clearer in my mind. It is my desire that after not living alone for more than half my life, I’ll be able to know better who I am now. So while I miss my husband desperately with ever fiber of my being, and am hoping it will be only 3 months instead of 12 that he’s able to return, I am going to set myself on task in a quest to better understand who this average american woman is today. Because there is one thing I know and that is:  I am not sure who is looking back at me in the mirror every morning.

Good night world, and remember as one of my favorite authors said:

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies,” said Jojen. “The man who never reads lives only one.”
— George R.R. Martin (A Dance with Dragons)